4/7/18 - Journal snippet

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This a piece of my journaling this morning. Careful, it's raw and unedited.

"...You know this song is great (Psalms 46). I really love listening to it. It’s so passionate. It speaks to me on a warrior level. But, today I see another side. The truth is, I don’t feel like I’m at war. I look at this song as a dream or hope for “someday”. Like so many other things, I feel like I can’t be what I dream about. I feel like I’m struggling against my dream self and my waking self.



But, as this song plays, I get something new. I am fighting right now. I am at war with Sloth and others. I am fighting to be like and with my king. It is not the battle I dream about, but it is real. These things keep me from you my king. They are my enemy. They are your enemy. We must destroy them if we are to be together. I see it now. The Lord of host stands ready with me to take down these enemies of my heart.

The spirits of Sin, Sloth, Lust, Pride, Gluttony, Depression, etc… Are not demons, as we so often imagine. Frankly, we wish they were. It would give us someone to blame for our sin. If a demon of Pride is attacking you, well what are you supposed to do about that. “Satan made me do it. Bad Satan”. I see the truth. Sin isn’t from Satan. We create it for ourselves just like he did. The knowledge of good and evil is simply that. Knowledge. We now know things that are good and things that are evil. It does not give us the ability to understand the two. It does not give us wisdom to control the two. It does not give us power over it. Just knowledge. Knowledge without wisdom is so very dangerous.

So, without understanding what we do, we give in to these sins when they come up in our lives. They gain control over us, and soon we are slaves to it. This is the war that I see now. This is what I hear in the song. I pray that someday I do get to fight alongside you. To fight an enemy that it apart from me. Fight for someone else. Whether on this earth or not, but for now I see this fight. I see that I am still owned by some of these things. The lord of hosts stands ready to face them down with me. You will not destroy them for me, but instead teach me how to fight them. It says that you are with us. It says that you lead us through, not that you fix it. You want me to learn how to fight and stand up to these things. To gain wisdom and power along with that knowledge of evil.

Teach me Lord. Show me how to dominate those things. Make me master over sin, not slave to it. Sin will always be here knocking at the door and pestering, but now I know I can be its master..."




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